The Robbery of the Soul
By: toomuchenergy
For the past year and a half I have struggled to explain the co-addict side of pornography addiction, both to my spouse and to my one friend who knows about the situation. It has been futile and indescribable until a few days ago.
The revelation occurred when we got on our boat. My husband went down below and immediately asked me if I had been out on the boat. I said, “no, why?” Then the look of despair came over him and he said we’ve been robbed. They broke the latch and went into the front window. Anything that could fit through it was taken.
Immediately he went to the marina computer system to watch the videos of the surveillance cameras. He watched for a while and finally saw the perpetrators making their 1:45 thieving spree by water. He pointed out every detail. See the waves, they came by boat. There are three of them. Finally in frustration, he realized that the resolution was so fuzzy that their true identity would never show up on film.
It was reported and we went back to the boat. Despite the loss being under the deductible, bringing the crime into light was a must – a way to stop them from doing it again perhaps.Then, he goes under to take inventory of what all was taken. “I feel so violated” he said.
He searched every nook and cranny of storage for clues and missing items. Then the “I should have …” statements started. I should have taken the DVD player off. I should always park it close to the camera or put it in dry storage. I’m going to get a motion sensor alarm so if anyone else does this (this is the 2nd boat robbery) an alarm will sound and make them leave.
It spoiled the care-free day we had planned on the lake. It costs us hard earned money. It raised distrust for night outings after the marina closes. It violated our comfortable space.
For a moment I saw the clarity of living with this addiction. Through a robbery.
It was like a strobe light and whistles blowing: “Pornography addiction is a “robbery of the soul””.
It starts with a violation of something dear to us – fidelity. The lies to hide the violation erode and destroy trust. It makes us doubt ourselves and second guess our every move (and our worth as humans). We devise ways to catch the perp. We devise ways to stop the violation. We suffer losses of magnitudes far greater than objects. It clouds every special occasion we plan. It taps into our financial and emotional bank accounts. It robs the soul.
Calmly after assimilating the two “violations” I verbalized this to the ears of my perp. He didn’t want to linger there. He knows the damage and saw the similarities (magnified one million times, often daily in the absence of true recovery). Finally, I can describe this world I’ve been living in. Although the damage to the soul is far greater than any worldly object we hold dear.
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Friday, April 27, 2007
My Shoulders Are My Own
My Shoulders Are My Own
By: Rain
Sad really how something so trivial can push someone over the edge. I’m looking down it right now.And it looks more appealing than where I am standing… way more.
I’m tired of it all. All of it.
I’m tired of explaining it over and over and over. I’m tired of being the only one truly working to keep this all going. The one walking upright, and on her own feet. And you know…. Down there, off the edge… looks like all those people are standing stronger and straighter than I am, with out the added weight to their shoulders. They can finally live truth. I want that.
I’m tired of dragging him along, he’s too god damn heavy. Wish for once he had his own two feet. Or use them. Wish for once, I could walk on my own with out looking back to make sure he’s coming, following me along in the path I’ve cut out.
I don’t want to point the way anymore. I am tired. Wish for once, he’d walk beside me in this… just beside me… and do it all on his own, while I get to stroll along and learn.
But, you know what I get when I step away and refuse to carry him? His screams that I need to pick him back up, help show him the way again… “I can’t do it alone, you already know how, so do it for me!!! I won't find my way and it will be your fault!!”
He never sees that he’s crushing me, he doesn’t care.
He doesn’t see that I’m at the cliff, looking back and forth, trying to decide what to do, where to go.. over or back. He’s too busy screaming from the ground. He doesn’t see, and he doesn’t care. He can’t, simply because he won’t.
If only he could just stand up, use his feet, walk over and take my hand… Walk next to me through this… the decision would be easy. I would go hand in hand on this journey and not even look back at the cliff.
I would embrace the fight again. Embrace him. But he doesn’t stand on his own, and I’m afraid he never will. So I stand here, looking back and forth. Back and forth… At him and the cliff…But, no matter which direction I chose to take, one thing is certain from here on out…
My shoulders are my own and I will no longer carry him. He’s on his own. I hope to not hear his screams for very long.
By: Rain
Sad really how something so trivial can push someone over the edge. I’m looking down it right now.And it looks more appealing than where I am standing… way more.
I’m tired of it all. All of it.
I’m tired of explaining it over and over and over. I’m tired of being the only one truly working to keep this all going. The one walking upright, and on her own feet. And you know…. Down there, off the edge… looks like all those people are standing stronger and straighter than I am, with out the added weight to their shoulders. They can finally live truth. I want that.
I’m tired of dragging him along, he’s too god damn heavy. Wish for once he had his own two feet. Or use them. Wish for once, I could walk on my own with out looking back to make sure he’s coming, following me along in the path I’ve cut out.
I don’t want to point the way anymore. I am tired. Wish for once, he’d walk beside me in this… just beside me… and do it all on his own, while I get to stroll along and learn.
But, you know what I get when I step away and refuse to carry him? His screams that I need to pick him back up, help show him the way again… “I can’t do it alone, you already know how, so do it for me!!! I won't find my way and it will be your fault!!”
He never sees that he’s crushing me, he doesn’t care.
He doesn’t see that I’m at the cliff, looking back and forth, trying to decide what to do, where to go.. over or back. He’s too busy screaming from the ground. He doesn’t see, and he doesn’t care. He can’t, simply because he won’t.
If only he could just stand up, use his feet, walk over and take my hand… Walk next to me through this… the decision would be easy. I would go hand in hand on this journey and not even look back at the cliff.
I would embrace the fight again. Embrace him. But he doesn’t stand on his own, and I’m afraid he never will. So I stand here, looking back and forth. Back and forth… At him and the cliff…But, no matter which direction I chose to take, one thing is certain from here on out…
My shoulders are my own and I will no longer carry him. He’s on his own. I hope to not hear his screams for very long.
By a Recovering Pornography Addict: D-day
D-day
Hi, I’m Herb. I’m a recovering pornography addict and compulsive masturbator.
I have read hundreds of posts by the partners of porn addicts talking about D-day. I take that to be the day that the awareness of the addiction and the extent of involvement in pornography became a reality. D-day is always a day of extreme pain. I have understood that D-day may not be a single event but a series of revelations, each more painful and revealing.
Addicts talk about bottoming out. That’s what I want to talk about. My personal D-day if you will.
A number of years ago I met my wife after work to shop and she had a few more errands to run so we parted and I headed home. I made a beeline for a small town north of us to return a porn video I had rented. My hope was to get home before her so she wouldn’t wonder where I had been. I dropped off the video and got home, relieved that she wasn’t there so I wouldn’t have to lie. Some amount of time passed and the phone rang.
When I answered she said; “I don’t want you to panic but I’m at the hospital in the emergency room.” She had t-boned a Lincoln Continental at highway speeds. She was, fortunately, not badly injured but the car was totaled.
My heart almost exploded in my chest. I said: “I’ll be right there” and proceeded to break every traffic law written to get to the hospital; the whole way praying that God wasn’t going to hurt her because of me. I got to the hospital and she was all hooked up to IV’s and monitors but looked ok, a little ashen.
Do you know what she said when I got there? “Where were you, I’ve been calling for over an hour?” The look in her eyes, the tone of loneliness and abandonment was like white hot iron. I wish I could have just dropped dead on the spot. The SHAME washed over me in torrents. Is that understandable at all? I wasn’t there for her because of a porn video—How insane is that?
This was my D-day. The day the shame and realization of the depth of my addiction came home to me. I had had suicidal thoughts before but I really wanted to die after that. I was worthless and evil and completely beyond redemption. It hurt.
I started active recovery that day. I established my own boundaries. I knew I was addicted, I think I always had. I resolved never to bring a porn vid or mag ever again into my home. I know, you’re saying great but you’re still protecting your habit. That is true. But I had to start somewhere. I had to de-escalate somehow.
It took me years to get past that. I did well for a long time then got a new career with hi-speed Internet and one (go ahead and laugh) inadvertent exposure to on-line porn image and BLAM, I was active in addiction again. The shame and feelings of worthlessness returned as if they had never been gone. They provided a rich environment for the addictive cycle to continue to spin.
That is the short story of my D-day. It took too long and too much pain to get any meaningful sobriety. It took confession and counseling at church, it took discussion with me wife (and that is like puking up the shame all at once) and it took work and reading and learning about addiction. It took a trusted friend to be able to open up with.
Pornography almost killed me and it is destroying lives and soul everyday. Sometimes it’s hard to own the past we have created but we need to take ownership of today and become sober. We need to look forward to tomorrow with hope and not the fear addiction breeds. We need to save our lives, no one else can do it for us.
Hi, I’m Herb. I’m a recovering pornography addict and compulsive masturbator.
I have read hundreds of posts by the partners of porn addicts talking about D-day. I take that to be the day that the awareness of the addiction and the extent of involvement in pornography became a reality. D-day is always a day of extreme pain. I have understood that D-day may not be a single event but a series of revelations, each more painful and revealing.
Addicts talk about bottoming out. That’s what I want to talk about. My personal D-day if you will.
A number of years ago I met my wife after work to shop and she had a few more errands to run so we parted and I headed home. I made a beeline for a small town north of us to return a porn video I had rented. My hope was to get home before her so she wouldn’t wonder where I had been. I dropped off the video and got home, relieved that she wasn’t there so I wouldn’t have to lie. Some amount of time passed and the phone rang.
When I answered she said; “I don’t want you to panic but I’m at the hospital in the emergency room.” She had t-boned a Lincoln Continental at highway speeds. She was, fortunately, not badly injured but the car was totaled.
My heart almost exploded in my chest. I said: “I’ll be right there” and proceeded to break every traffic law written to get to the hospital; the whole way praying that God wasn’t going to hurt her because of me. I got to the hospital and she was all hooked up to IV’s and monitors but looked ok, a little ashen.
Do you know what she said when I got there? “Where were you, I’ve been calling for over an hour?” The look in her eyes, the tone of loneliness and abandonment was like white hot iron. I wish I could have just dropped dead on the spot. The SHAME washed over me in torrents. Is that understandable at all? I wasn’t there for her because of a porn video—How insane is that?
This was my D-day. The day the shame and realization of the depth of my addiction came home to me. I had had suicidal thoughts before but I really wanted to die after that. I was worthless and evil and completely beyond redemption. It hurt.
I started active recovery that day. I established my own boundaries. I knew I was addicted, I think I always had. I resolved never to bring a porn vid or mag ever again into my home. I know, you’re saying great but you’re still protecting your habit. That is true. But I had to start somewhere. I had to de-escalate somehow.
It took me years to get past that. I did well for a long time then got a new career with hi-speed Internet and one (go ahead and laugh) inadvertent exposure to on-line porn image and BLAM, I was active in addiction again. The shame and feelings of worthlessness returned as if they had never been gone. They provided a rich environment for the addictive cycle to continue to spin.
That is the short story of my D-day. It took too long and too much pain to get any meaningful sobriety. It took confession and counseling at church, it took discussion with me wife (and that is like puking up the shame all at once) and it took work and reading and learning about addiction. It took a trusted friend to be able to open up with.
Pornography almost killed me and it is destroying lives and soul everyday. Sometimes it’s hard to own the past we have created but we need to take ownership of today and become sober. We need to look forward to tomorrow with hope and not the fear addiction breeds. We need to save our lives, no one else can do it for us.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Awards Dinner Honors Anti Porn Efforts
May 8 Awards Dinner honors anti-pornography efforts
San Francisco Archbishop George H. Niederauer will give dinner's keynote address
by Barbara Stinson LeeIntermountain Catholic
SALT LAKE CITY — If the face of the Hon. John Harmer, a former California state senator and lieutenant governor, appears worn and tired it’s because he is fighting a 40-year battle with images he doesn’t like to look at and words he hates to read. Harmer, the founder and chairman of the Lighted Candle Society, now in its sixth year, is leading a charge against pornography, whether it is found in magazines and books, movies and television, or popping up into our homes uninvited via the internet.
Harmer doesn’t fight this battle alone. On May 8 at the annual Guardian of the Light Awards Dinner at Little America in Salt Lake City, Harmer and the Lighted Candle Society will honor Michael Reagan and Pamela Atkinson for their efforts. San Francisco Archbishop George H. Niederauer, former president of the Utah Coalition Against Pornography, will give the keynote address at the dinner.
Reagan, the adopted son of the late President Ronald Reagan and his first wife, Jane Wyman, is the host of the conservative radio talk show, “The Michael Reagan Show,” is syndicated through Radio America. He will be honored for his anti-porn efforts on the national level. Atkinson, a local activist who took over the reigns of the Utah Coalition Against Pornography from Bishop
George Niederauer after he was named archbishop of San Francisco, will be recognized for her anti-porn stand on the local level.
In an interview with the Intermountain Catholic, Harmer said it is through the efforts of people like Reagan and Atkinson that the Lighted Candle Society is ready to achieve a much broader base.
“When I created the Society, I was aware of many similar organizations doing the same work. A lot of our money has gone to those organizations. I wanted to fill a void.”
Harmer has found that void – it is research and the training of law enforcement and prosecutors to effectively fight pornography in the courts on behalf of individuals who have suffered because of the use of pornography. “It is much like the court battles that have tackled tobacco marketing,” he said
In a new book Harmer co-wrote with Bountiful Researcher James B. Smith, “The Sex Industrial Complex: Americas Secret Combination, Pornographic Culture, Addiction and the Human Brain,” Harmer takes on corporate entities and the powerful movie industry “that are profiting from the production, distribution, and financing of pornography. They support each other and use presumably independent entities such as Planned Parenthood and the ACLU (The American Civil Liberties Union) to protect themselves.”
“The Sex Industrial Complex,” Harmer’s editor notes, “documents the rise and cultural saturation of pornographic propaganda and ideology throughout the 20th century. From the ACLU to MTV and motion pictures; Harmer lays out the history, social implications, and societal impact of a worldwide pornographic culture.”
Harmer said the research of Dr. Judith Reisman, to whom the book is dedicated, “reveals that frequent use of pornography creates addiction and brain damage in the structure and the function of the brain. Through the use of fMRI’s (functional magnetic resonance imaging) we can now watch the human brain react to the stimuli of violence and pornography.”
Dr. Reisman’s research and that of the University of Pennsylvania’s Dr. Mary Ann Leyden, Harmer said, provide the protocol for an estimated $2 million – $3 million study the Lighted Candle Society intends to undertake and publish on the harmful effects of pornography on the human brain.
“People have no idea how powerful and dangerous these images are and how pervasive they become to a person addicted to pornography,” Harmer said.
For further information about the Lighted Candle Society, The Guardian of the Light Awards Dinner, or “The Sex Industrial Complex” go to: www.lightedcandlesociety.org.
John Harmer, founder and chairman of the Lighted Candle Society, is a tireless fighter in the struggle against pornography. Working from offices in Washington, D.C. and Bountiful, Utah, he brings to light the dark world of pornography that is supported by some of the most reputable companies in the U.S. They have found that pornography is a profitable business.
San Francisco Archbishop George H. Niederauer will give dinner's keynote address
by Barbara Stinson LeeIntermountain Catholic
SALT LAKE CITY — If the face of the Hon. John Harmer, a former California state senator and lieutenant governor, appears worn and tired it’s because he is fighting a 40-year battle with images he doesn’t like to look at and words he hates to read. Harmer, the founder and chairman of the Lighted Candle Society, now in its sixth year, is leading a charge against pornography, whether it is found in magazines and books, movies and television, or popping up into our homes uninvited via the internet.
Harmer doesn’t fight this battle alone. On May 8 at the annual Guardian of the Light Awards Dinner at Little America in Salt Lake City, Harmer and the Lighted Candle Society will honor Michael Reagan and Pamela Atkinson for their efforts. San Francisco Archbishop George H. Niederauer, former president of the Utah Coalition Against Pornography, will give the keynote address at the dinner.
Reagan, the adopted son of the late President Ronald Reagan and his first wife, Jane Wyman, is the host of the conservative radio talk show, “The Michael Reagan Show,” is syndicated through Radio America. He will be honored for his anti-porn efforts on the national level. Atkinson, a local activist who took over the reigns of the Utah Coalition Against Pornography from Bishop
George Niederauer after he was named archbishop of San Francisco, will be recognized for her anti-porn stand on the local level.
In an interview with the Intermountain Catholic, Harmer said it is through the efforts of people like Reagan and Atkinson that the Lighted Candle Society is ready to achieve a much broader base.
“When I created the Society, I was aware of many similar organizations doing the same work. A lot of our money has gone to those organizations. I wanted to fill a void.”
Harmer has found that void – it is research and the training of law enforcement and prosecutors to effectively fight pornography in the courts on behalf of individuals who have suffered because of the use of pornography. “It is much like the court battles that have tackled tobacco marketing,” he said
In a new book Harmer co-wrote with Bountiful Researcher James B. Smith, “The Sex Industrial Complex: Americas Secret Combination, Pornographic Culture, Addiction and the Human Brain,” Harmer takes on corporate entities and the powerful movie industry “that are profiting from the production, distribution, and financing of pornography. They support each other and use presumably independent entities such as Planned Parenthood and the ACLU (The American Civil Liberties Union) to protect themselves.”
“The Sex Industrial Complex,” Harmer’s editor notes, “documents the rise and cultural saturation of pornographic propaganda and ideology throughout the 20th century. From the ACLU to MTV and motion pictures; Harmer lays out the history, social implications, and societal impact of a worldwide pornographic culture.”
Harmer said the research of Dr. Judith Reisman, to whom the book is dedicated, “reveals that frequent use of pornography creates addiction and brain damage in the structure and the function of the brain. Through the use of fMRI’s (functional magnetic resonance imaging) we can now watch the human brain react to the stimuli of violence and pornography.”
Dr. Reisman’s research and that of the University of Pennsylvania’s Dr. Mary Ann Leyden, Harmer said, provide the protocol for an estimated $2 million – $3 million study the Lighted Candle Society intends to undertake and publish on the harmful effects of pornography on the human brain.
“People have no idea how powerful and dangerous these images are and how pervasive they become to a person addicted to pornography,” Harmer said.
For further information about the Lighted Candle Society, The Guardian of the Light Awards Dinner, or “The Sex Industrial Complex” go to: www.lightedcandlesociety.org.
John Harmer, founder and chairman of the Lighted Candle Society, is a tireless fighter in the struggle against pornography. Working from offices in Washington, D.C. and Bountiful, Utah, he brings to light the dark world of pornography that is supported by some of the most reputable companies in the U.S. They have found that pornography is a profitable business.
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