By Olivia LichtensteinLast updated at 8:54 AM on 28th July 2009
A very modern dilemma: If a wife catches her husband watching porn, should she forgive him or throw him out?
She's younger than you, and prettier, too. Her breasts are pneumatic, her stomach is taut and flat. Your husband is spending more and more time in her company (and in the company of hundreds of women just like her). She's never tired and is always ready and available at the click of a mouse.
Sound familiar? Then you have most likely joined the legions of porn widows spawned by the internet.
Never has the subject of pornography been more hotly debated than since former Home Secretary Jacqui Smith announced that she had forgiven her husband Richard Timney for watching porn films - which she later claimed for on her Parliamentary expenses.
What's more, she said, she had not even made him sleep on the sofa as punishment.
These days, we're told it's 'uncool' to mind too much about porn: everyone watches it, come on, loosen up, what's the big deal? No one is coercing the women involved, so should you mind if your man is watching it?
As a mother of two in a 22-year marriage, I'm not sure I can be so understanding. My husband has never been able to see the point of porn and has no interest in it. But he is unusual.
I suspect thousands of wives who discover their husbands are watching porn are then left with a very modern dilemma: should you forgive them, or throw them out and try to explain to your children why Daddy has gone?
Pornography today permeates society. It's available on TV screens and in magazines and to anyone of any age on the internet. Teenagers in the UK spend 87 hours a year looking at porn, according to a survey carried out this year for CyberSentinel, a parental-lock software company.
Studies suggest that as many as 80 per cent of men watch porn on TV or the internet, and many of them are so addicted to it that it's been called the new cocaine.
Why is it so powerful? Pornography taps into intense emotional, biological and chemical connections throughout the brain and body. Arousal through pornography leads to the release of the naturally occurring chemicals dopamine, norepinephrine, oxytocin and serotonin.
Mary Anne Layden, Sexual Trauma and Psychopathology Programme co-director at the University of Pennsylvania, says: 'Porn is the most concerning thing to psychological health that I know of existing today.'
According to Layden, online pornography is akin to having an addictive drug pumped into your house for free, 24 hours a day.
And unlike other drugs, which users can get out of their system, pornographic images stay imprinted in the brain.
Many men might argue that it's harmless; a naughty diversion from the stresses of everyday life. But how many wives will agree?
Has Jacqui Smith really forgiven her husband? Can a marriage ever really recover from this sort of betrayal?
Hilary is 45, a successful working woman from Manchester with two teenage children, and married to a market researcher.
'
Four years ago, I saw a bill for our cable TV,' she says. 'My husband snatched it away from me before I could examine it, but I'd already seen it was for about £1,000.'
Her husband said it was for repairs he'd had done to the TV system and she forgot all about it. But then a second bill arrived for a similar amount and she found that it was actually for adult films.
Embarrassment: Former Home Secretary Jacqui Smith announced she had forgiven her husband Richard Timney for watching porn films
'I felt sick and horrified, and confronted him with it,' she says. 'He said it was research for a project he was working on. Part of me wanted to believe him, but part of me knew the truth. I chose to go with the lie, though, because I didn't want to confront the alternative.'
But over the next few months, more and more bills arrived - and then Hilary found that he'd also been buying films and magazines.
'
It was revolting, really horrible. I felt utterly sickened.'
By now, their sex life had dwindled. 'I thought: "If that's what you want, fine, but you're not having me, too."'
Their physical relationship has still not recovered from it. Still, she claims to have forgiven him.
'It was a period of great stress in his life and this was his way of escaping from it,' she says.
She admits she still feels uncomfortable about it and stayed in the marriage so that their children would have a father at home.
'I find the whole thing so distasteful - this notion of a dolly bird who will do anything for you. I insisted there would be no pornography in the house again, but I'm not sure if we'll ever resume our physical relationship.'
Sex, at its best, is the physical expression of love between two people. Lonely, narcissistic cyber sex is a poor imitation of the real thing.
The problem for many women who discover their partners are looking at pornography is that all too often they blame themselves - a fact identified by therapist Charlotte Friedman, who specialises in divorce.
Pornography is a factor in a significant number of the cases that she deals with. In her experience, men are liable to argue that looking at porn is harmless and that they're doing it because their wives aren't having sex with them. '
As a result, the women blame themselves and think that they've driven their partners to it.'
Friedman finds that women generally do forgive partners' porn habits - if the behaviour stops and work is done to rebuild the relationship. She argues that a woman's natural inclination to blame herself makes her more likely to forgive her husband.
What is disturbing, however, is that in clinical trials where subjects are exposed to repeated presentations of pornography over a six-week period, the subjects are found by the end of the trial to devalue monogamy and cease to regard marriage as a lasting institution.
It's no surprise, then, that excessive use of pornography causes a disturbance to family life and decreases sexual satisfaction within marriage.
In the U.S., pornography is the third largest money-maker for organised crime, after drugs and gambling. In the UK, it's a fast-growing billion-pound industry that trades on men's fantasies, increasingly featuring scenes of violence.
Expensive habit: Relationship support groups reported as many as 40 per cent of couples with problems believed pornography contributed to their difficulties
Familiar plots are those where women find themselves helpless and at the mercy of men enacting rape 'fantasies' and reinforcing age-old stereotypes of 'you know you want it'.
A recent review by the Broadcast Committee of Advertising Practice, the body responsible for setting standards in advertising, stated that: 'Pornography distorts human sexuality and undermines dignity and respect for others by making sexual intimacy into little more than a spectator sport without love, commitment or responsibility.'
The review highlighted the fact that relationship support groups reported as many as 40 per cent of couples with problems believed pornography contributed to their difficulties.
That view supports research by the University of Calgary, which has shown exposure to pornography puts men at an increased risk of developing sexually deviant tendencies and of experiencing difficulties in intimate relationships. Don't you find that sad and depressing? I know I do.
Pornography addiction is sad. It eroticises male supremacy and debases women. It makes wives feel hurt, betrayed, mistrustful and lacking in self-esteem - and it's when they are in that state that they're forced to choose whether to forgive the man who has betrayed them or break up their marriage.
The men, too, experience feelings of shame and self-loathing. One man I spoke to who uses porn said: 'There is always a little nagging voice in my head which says I'm a filthy, woman-hating lout and I should abstain.'
Where, in the past, men had to pluck up the courage to pick a magazine off the top shelf, now, thanks to the internet, there are no witnesses and no controls.
The easy, open-all-hours access that exists means many men neglect their families, give up hobbies and don't get enough sleep because they are up until four or five in the morning on the computer.
There is an argument - which many feel has some currency - that a lot of these men would not be that interested in porn if it were not so freely available at the click of a mouse. If that's the case, then it's another example of the internet subtly debasing society - and chipping away at the self-respect of men and women alike.
'Pornography is not real and the only thing human beings get nourishment from is reality: real relationships,' says David Morgan, consultant psychotherapist at London's Portman Clinic, whose patients have problems with sexuality or violence.
'The problem with the internet,' he says, 'is that it enables you to find people who share your predilections and it normalises them. Pornography is corrosive and addictive and, like any drug, every time you use it, you need more to get the same high.'
As many wives have discovered, men are being seduced into seeking ever more extreme 'highs' with internet porn. How those wives react when they find out is a complex and troubling question.
And make no mistake, the fate of many marriages is hanging in the balance.
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Showing posts with label what is porn addiction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label what is porn addiction. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Friday, January 9, 2009
Friday, May 25, 2007
What Is Being the Significant Other of a Porn Addict Like?
by: tootrue
What is it like being the significant other of a porn addict?
It might be nearly impossible for someone who has not been affected by living with an addict to fully understand that porn addiction is like any other addiction. And that it affects the people around the addict in significant ways. It eats time, energy, compassion, money, trust and creates enormous chaos and damage to families of addicts. It leads to divorce, tumultuous situations for children, direct and indirect neglect of children by addicts and mothers who are forced into dealing with the addict, accidental and even purposeful exposure to children in the home, sexually transmitted disease for the spouse whose own personal porn addict escalates to acting out in real life, and mental and physical stress on the significant other that can become an obsession all its own.
Internet porn isn't your father's Playboy. Or even today's Penthouse. It's available in enormous quantities right from your home pc. No one has to get up the nerve to buy it in a seedy store or risk being seen by neighbors or friends walking out of an adult video or book store. And it is highly addictive.
To a porn addict, what might start as seemingly harmless entertainment or diversion becomes obsession. Porn addiction is an escalating progressive addiction. What is at first taboo later becomes sought after as an addict builds tolerance, much like with any other addiction, and then seeks out increasingly stimulating material for gratification leading to often increasingly violent porn, subjects that include younger and younger age girls and children, incest, bestiality, rape, and what most might consider just downright not sexually stimulating but repelling.
Recently comments were posted on this blog (which we've deleted) by someone stating that this site is a joke, some raunchy commentary followed by high schoolish degrading of recovered porn addicts' posts to this board, and that for that commenter, "porn is my reason for getting up in the morning."
Well, that pretty much sadly sums up a serious case of porn addiction.
Not very many women find the sight of a man sitting in a dark room by himself in front of a computer masturbating to computer images with pants around ankles very compellingly sexy or manly. It's disturbing. It's the image that gets stuck in the mind of the significant others of porn addicts. And unfortunately for many, their children may have this same image of their fathers permanently fused in their minds.
Escalation of porn addiction can and does lead to acting out in real life. Many SOs of porn addicts report finding their husband's profiles on sex sites, dating sites, phone sex sites, webcam sites, etc.
But beyond the image of the porn puppet in front of the computer, SOs of porn addicts have other images etched in their heads. Maybe most frequently and most disturbing in the long run is the image of someone you love and trust lying in countless conversations to cover up the amount of time being spent, type of porn being viewed, hiding places for porn, and crazy making behavior.
I remember once finding porn tapes and teen porn magazines in my husband's closet. Our toddler was following behind me while I was gathering up dirty laundry in baskets and came upon yet another of her father's many stashes. When I asked him about it his reply was that he did not put it there. They were not his magazines. Maybe, he said, "you put them there."
Me: Yeah, I put them there. I put them there? How could you think I put them there? Nobody else comes into your closet except for you, me, and perhaps our children. So one of us, here in this house, either me or you, put them in the closet. And it wasn't me so of course it was you.
Him: Well, it wasn't me.
Multiply these crazy, crazy making kinds of conversations times a thousand. And add in another hundred that aren't obvious until well after they happen. Being subject to these kinds of responses, lack of simple accountability, blatant lying, blameshifting, and exposure to unwanted and shocking images, and it begins to take a toll on the wife or significant other of an addict. Sometimes this is referred to as "gaslighting."
In my own experience, and through reading so many experiences of other wives, ex-wives, and significant others of porn addicts, some of the most memorable situations that women have had to deal with from porn addicted spouses or boyfriends include being told that a neighbor must have come into the house and been looking at porn on their home computer, blaming the computer history on their own teenage child, hiding porn in the trunk of the car.....
To me it seems that one of the single most quoted responses our MAPA members report from husbands is "there's nothing wrong with it. All men do it."
And another most quoted thought is that SOs of porn addicts are often most troubled and affected by the lying that goes hand in hand with addiction in general.....often even more so than the porn itself.
I would imagine that many SOs of porn addicts start out believing that to be a truth: Men like porn. So getting to the point of believing ourselves that this is more than men liking porn, that this feels inherently wrong, that this is really an addiction, can sometimes be a battle in ourselves that has its own toll. Learning to trust your intuition, feel validated in personal boundaries, have healthy expectations, is a part time job when an addict's converse part time job is to erode those very things to protect his addiction and normalize his behavior and choices. Addiction to anything is not healthy. Addiction isn't something that is normal and beneficial to anyone. Addiction affects people around the addict.
Whatever a person's beliefs on porn, or right to free speech, etc......porn addiction is real and damaging to addicts and their families, and the symptoms of addiction and its effect on families go far beyond the reaction to images viewed or moral standings on porn.
Some of the many symptoms mentioned by SOs of porn addicts include need for personal counseling involving time, expense, and their own recoveries, anti depressant medication, loss of trust in a general sense, feelings of hopelessness, lack of interest in their own lives and appearances, weight gain or weight loss, hair falling out, inability to concentrate or focus, isolation from friends and family, lack of focus on children, lack of joy, anger, bitterness, consideration of separation and divorce, suicidal thoughts, treatment for depression, lack of interest in sex, sense of betrayal, avoiding social situations, decrease in self esteem, concern for children, lack of motivation, feeling stuck in a marriage, obsession with finding porn stashes, fear of financial consequences resulting from job loss of the addict due to porn use on work computers, fear of legal consequences resulting from addict's use of illegal porn, self doubt, covering up for the addict to friends and family, sense of living a dual public and secret private life, heightened sense that it is their fault, feeling worthless or stupid, sexually transmitted diseases.
Our latest trolling commenter stated that the women of MAPA are "middle aged cows." Light bulb moment: Objectively and ironically women affected by porn addiction are from all age groups and all levels of attractiveness. But most ironic is that many are extremely attractive and some are drop dead gorgeous. Does this matter? NO of course not. But to me what is significant is that this addiction, like any other, is about the addict. It has nothing to do with the looks of the significant other. Our MAPA support board relates the stories of many significant others' experiences. Here again it is ironic that so many stories are expressed with a bright, articulate ability to express thoughts. Members of MAPA make up women from all walks of life, from many different faiths, backgrounds, educations, political beliefs, etc. We have many things in common and many differences. One common ground we share is our concern for someone addicted to pornography, our concern for how that has affected us and our families.
Porn addiction treatment is available. It is most successful reportedly when it is sought by the addict. As in treatment for any addiction, the recovery success rate is higher for those who are self motivated.
Leaving the secret life of living with a porn addict behind in seeking out validation, support, information, and individual counseling in real life and in communities online such as this one can be very helpful for sigificant others of porn addicts in their own recoveries.
What is it like being the significant other of a porn addict?
It might be nearly impossible for someone who has not been affected by living with an addict to fully understand that porn addiction is like any other addiction. And that it affects the people around the addict in significant ways. It eats time, energy, compassion, money, trust and creates enormous chaos and damage to families of addicts. It leads to divorce, tumultuous situations for children, direct and indirect neglect of children by addicts and mothers who are forced into dealing with the addict, accidental and even purposeful exposure to children in the home, sexually transmitted disease for the spouse whose own personal porn addict escalates to acting out in real life, and mental and physical stress on the significant other that can become an obsession all its own.
Internet porn isn't your father's Playboy. Or even today's Penthouse. It's available in enormous quantities right from your home pc. No one has to get up the nerve to buy it in a seedy store or risk being seen by neighbors or friends walking out of an adult video or book store. And it is highly addictive.
To a porn addict, what might start as seemingly harmless entertainment or diversion becomes obsession. Porn addiction is an escalating progressive addiction. What is at first taboo later becomes sought after as an addict builds tolerance, much like with any other addiction, and then seeks out increasingly stimulating material for gratification leading to often increasingly violent porn, subjects that include younger and younger age girls and children, incest, bestiality, rape, and what most might consider just downright not sexually stimulating but repelling.
Recently comments were posted on this blog (which we've deleted) by someone stating that this site is a joke, some raunchy commentary followed by high schoolish degrading of recovered porn addicts' posts to this board, and that for that commenter, "porn is my reason for getting up in the morning."
Well, that pretty much sadly sums up a serious case of porn addiction.
Not very many women find the sight of a man sitting in a dark room by himself in front of a computer masturbating to computer images with pants around ankles very compellingly sexy or manly. It's disturbing. It's the image that gets stuck in the mind of the significant others of porn addicts. And unfortunately for many, their children may have this same image of their fathers permanently fused in their minds.
Escalation of porn addiction can and does lead to acting out in real life. Many SOs of porn addicts report finding their husband's profiles on sex sites, dating sites, phone sex sites, webcam sites, etc.
But beyond the image of the porn puppet in front of the computer, SOs of porn addicts have other images etched in their heads. Maybe most frequently and most disturbing in the long run is the image of someone you love and trust lying in countless conversations to cover up the amount of time being spent, type of porn being viewed, hiding places for porn, and crazy making behavior.
I remember once finding porn tapes and teen porn magazines in my husband's closet. Our toddler was following behind me while I was gathering up dirty laundry in baskets and came upon yet another of her father's many stashes. When I asked him about it his reply was that he did not put it there. They were not his magazines. Maybe, he said, "you put them there."
Me: Yeah, I put them there. I put them there? How could you think I put them there? Nobody else comes into your closet except for you, me, and perhaps our children. So one of us, here in this house, either me or you, put them in the closet. And it wasn't me so of course it was you.
Him: Well, it wasn't me.
Multiply these crazy, crazy making kinds of conversations times a thousand. And add in another hundred that aren't obvious until well after they happen. Being subject to these kinds of responses, lack of simple accountability, blatant lying, blameshifting, and exposure to unwanted and shocking images, and it begins to take a toll on the wife or significant other of an addict. Sometimes this is referred to as "gaslighting."
In my own experience, and through reading so many experiences of other wives, ex-wives, and significant others of porn addicts, some of the most memorable situations that women have had to deal with from porn addicted spouses or boyfriends include being told that a neighbor must have come into the house and been looking at porn on their home computer, blaming the computer history on their own teenage child, hiding porn in the trunk of the car.....
To me it seems that one of the single most quoted responses our MAPA members report from husbands is "there's nothing wrong with it. All men do it."
And another most quoted thought is that SOs of porn addicts are often most troubled and affected by the lying that goes hand in hand with addiction in general.....often even more so than the porn itself.
I would imagine that many SOs of porn addicts start out believing that to be a truth: Men like porn. So getting to the point of believing ourselves that this is more than men liking porn, that this feels inherently wrong, that this is really an addiction, can sometimes be a battle in ourselves that has its own toll. Learning to trust your intuition, feel validated in personal boundaries, have healthy expectations, is a part time job when an addict's converse part time job is to erode those very things to protect his addiction and normalize his behavior and choices. Addiction to anything is not healthy. Addiction isn't something that is normal and beneficial to anyone. Addiction affects people around the addict.
Whatever a person's beliefs on porn, or right to free speech, etc......porn addiction is real and damaging to addicts and their families, and the symptoms of addiction and its effect on families go far beyond the reaction to images viewed or moral standings on porn.
Some of the many symptoms mentioned by SOs of porn addicts include need for personal counseling involving time, expense, and their own recoveries, anti depressant medication, loss of trust in a general sense, feelings of hopelessness, lack of interest in their own lives and appearances, weight gain or weight loss, hair falling out, inability to concentrate or focus, isolation from friends and family, lack of focus on children, lack of joy, anger, bitterness, consideration of separation and divorce, suicidal thoughts, treatment for depression, lack of interest in sex, sense of betrayal, avoiding social situations, decrease in self esteem, concern for children, lack of motivation, feeling stuck in a marriage, obsession with finding porn stashes, fear of financial consequences resulting from job loss of the addict due to porn use on work computers, fear of legal consequences resulting from addict's use of illegal porn, self doubt, covering up for the addict to friends and family, sense of living a dual public and secret private life, heightened sense that it is their fault, feeling worthless or stupid, sexually transmitted diseases.
Our latest trolling commenter stated that the women of MAPA are "middle aged cows." Light bulb moment: Objectively and ironically women affected by porn addiction are from all age groups and all levels of attractiveness. But most ironic is that many are extremely attractive and some are drop dead gorgeous. Does this matter? NO of course not. But to me what is significant is that this addiction, like any other, is about the addict. It has nothing to do with the looks of the significant other. Our MAPA support board relates the stories of many significant others' experiences. Here again it is ironic that so many stories are expressed with a bright, articulate ability to express thoughts. Members of MAPA make up women from all walks of life, from many different faiths, backgrounds, educations, political beliefs, etc. We have many things in common and many differences. One common ground we share is our concern for someone addicted to pornography, our concern for how that has affected us and our families.
Porn addiction treatment is available. It is most successful reportedly when it is sought by the addict. As in treatment for any addiction, the recovery success rate is higher for those who are self motivated.
Leaving the secret life of living with a porn addict behind in seeking out validation, support, information, and individual counseling in real life and in communities online such as this one can be very helpful for sigificant others of porn addicts in their own recoveries.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
An Open Letter to My Wife By The Webmaster at No-Porn.com
An open letter to my wife:
Thank you for everything you are in my life. Thank you for the tremendous sacrifices you make on a daily basis. Thank you for setting such a remarkable example for our children. Your commitment to your studies since you returned to college has shown the kids far better than we could ever teach them otherwise the importance of an education. They see everything you do, and I am impressed at how well they do in school because they simply follow your example. It isn’t just a one-time example; it has been persistent over the past three years. Perhaps there are things I should be doing persistently by way of example for our children as well.
The children also feel of your love in our home. When you take time to teach them values that will last throughout their lives, when you insist on good manners, when you limit their television and video game privileges, and when you tuck them in and sing them songs, they feel of that love. When you give them hugs and kisses, they feel of that love.
Thank you for limiting the number of sports events and other extra curricular activities the kids are involved in. Thank you for taking care of yourself and recognizing that the kids don’t have to do everything. Thank you for giving them some activities and driving them there, but how nice those nights are when we’re all together and relaxed. Sometimes we feel like our house is too cluttered, but I’d rather have a cluttered house than a cluttered calendar.
Thank you for supporting me by managing the passwords on all our devices. I’d like to think that if the passwords weren’t there I’d be okay, but when you say, “I’d prefer to keep the computer filter running. I prefer that Covenant Eyes stay installed,” I know that you love me. As you say, you do trust me, but you don’t want me to have to endure constant temptation. Thank you for loving me enough to insist on some basic safety practices.
There are things I have done that I pray I will never do again. I can’t understand how I ever did some of those things. Was I a different person then? Not really, I suppose. I just had a secret part of me that I have said good-bye to; now the real me is a lot more comfortable with my day-to-day activities. No new secrets. I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for my old ways, and that’s okay with me. Forgiveness isn’t my priority; abstinence is. Forgiveness may come – it seems to come much easier from you – but what I really want is to live without porn for the rest of my life.
I will never forget when we sought counseling for our child, and the therapist turned her attention toward our relationship. Eventually, my “limited” use of porn (every few months at that time) was brought up. I thought I was doing pretty well compared to how things used to be. She asked you how you felt when I looked at porn. You sat in silence. She asked again, and a tear dripped down your cheek. You said, “I feel badly. I feel like he doesn’t love me.” That moment took me into real recovery. Your honesty and love is what led me to search for a way to break through my binge cycle.
Honey, I never use porn or masturbate now. I’m sorry that my childhood took me there. It stunted my emotional development in ways that still manifest themselves. Although I do not believe I will ever go back, I promise to be diligent and cautious and to do my best to avoid it, so that I never end up back in that compulsive cycle again.
Thank you for letting me know how much my acting out was hurting you. Thank you for supporting me through all of this darkness. I’ve always felt there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and now I am close enough to see that the light is you.
Love,
Wes
Wes is the webmaster at http://www.no-porn.com/ and the author of the e-book “Ten Keys to Breaking Pornography Addiction.” He can be contacted at http://us.f376.mail.yahoo.com/ym/Compose?To=contact@no-porn.com. His wife does not participate at MAPA, but she has read this letter.
Thank you for everything you are in my life. Thank you for the tremendous sacrifices you make on a daily basis. Thank you for setting such a remarkable example for our children. Your commitment to your studies since you returned to college has shown the kids far better than we could ever teach them otherwise the importance of an education. They see everything you do, and I am impressed at how well they do in school because they simply follow your example. It isn’t just a one-time example; it has been persistent over the past three years. Perhaps there are things I should be doing persistently by way of example for our children as well.
The children also feel of your love in our home. When you take time to teach them values that will last throughout their lives, when you insist on good manners, when you limit their television and video game privileges, and when you tuck them in and sing them songs, they feel of that love. When you give them hugs and kisses, they feel of that love.
Thank you for limiting the number of sports events and other extra curricular activities the kids are involved in. Thank you for taking care of yourself and recognizing that the kids don’t have to do everything. Thank you for giving them some activities and driving them there, but how nice those nights are when we’re all together and relaxed. Sometimes we feel like our house is too cluttered, but I’d rather have a cluttered house than a cluttered calendar.
Thank you for supporting me by managing the passwords on all our devices. I’d like to think that if the passwords weren’t there I’d be okay, but when you say, “I’d prefer to keep the computer filter running. I prefer that Covenant Eyes stay installed,” I know that you love me. As you say, you do trust me, but you don’t want me to have to endure constant temptation. Thank you for loving me enough to insist on some basic safety practices.
There are things I have done that I pray I will never do again. I can’t understand how I ever did some of those things. Was I a different person then? Not really, I suppose. I just had a secret part of me that I have said good-bye to; now the real me is a lot more comfortable with my day-to-day activities. No new secrets. I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for my old ways, and that’s okay with me. Forgiveness isn’t my priority; abstinence is. Forgiveness may come – it seems to come much easier from you – but what I really want is to live without porn for the rest of my life.
I will never forget when we sought counseling for our child, and the therapist turned her attention toward our relationship. Eventually, my “limited” use of porn (every few months at that time) was brought up. I thought I was doing pretty well compared to how things used to be. She asked you how you felt when I looked at porn. You sat in silence. She asked again, and a tear dripped down your cheek. You said, “I feel badly. I feel like he doesn’t love me.” That moment took me into real recovery. Your honesty and love is what led me to search for a way to break through my binge cycle.
Honey, I never use porn or masturbate now. I’m sorry that my childhood took me there. It stunted my emotional development in ways that still manifest themselves. Although I do not believe I will ever go back, I promise to be diligent and cautious and to do my best to avoid it, so that I never end up back in that compulsive cycle again.
Thank you for letting me know how much my acting out was hurting you. Thank you for supporting me through all of this darkness. I’ve always felt there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and now I am close enough to see that the light is you.
Love,
Wes
Wes is the webmaster at http://www.no-porn.com/ and the author of the e-book “Ten Keys to Breaking Pornography Addiction.” He can be contacted at http://us.f376.mail.yahoo.com/ym/Compose?To=contact@no-porn.com. His wife does not participate at MAPA, but she has read this letter.
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
The Robbery of the Soul
The Robbery of the Soul
By: toomuchenergy
For the past year and a half I have struggled to explain the co-addict side of pornography addiction, both to my spouse and to my one friend who knows about the situation. It has been futile and indescribable until a few days ago.
The revelation occurred when we got on our boat. My husband went down below and immediately asked me if I had been out on the boat. I said, “no, why?” Then the look of despair came over him and he said we’ve been robbed. They broke the latch and went into the front window. Anything that could fit through it was taken.
Immediately he went to the marina computer system to watch the videos of the surveillance cameras. He watched for a while and finally saw the perpetrators making their 1:45 thieving spree by water. He pointed out every detail. See the waves, they came by boat. There are three of them. Finally in frustration, he realized that the resolution was so fuzzy that their true identity would never show up on film.
It was reported and we went back to the boat. Despite the loss being under the deductible, bringing the crime into light was a must – a way to stop them from doing it again perhaps.Then, he goes under to take inventory of what all was taken. “I feel so violated” he said.
He searched every nook and cranny of storage for clues and missing items. Then the “I should have …” statements started. I should have taken the DVD player off. I should always park it close to the camera or put it in dry storage. I’m going to get a motion sensor alarm so if anyone else does this (this is the 2nd boat robbery) an alarm will sound and make them leave.
It spoiled the care-free day we had planned on the lake. It costs us hard earned money. It raised distrust for night outings after the marina closes. It violated our comfortable space.
For a moment I saw the clarity of living with this addiction. Through a robbery.
It was like a strobe light and whistles blowing: “Pornography addiction is a “robbery of the soul””.
It starts with a violation of something dear to us – fidelity. The lies to hide the violation erode and destroy trust. It makes us doubt ourselves and second guess our every move (and our worth as humans). We devise ways to catch the perp. We devise ways to stop the violation. We suffer losses of magnitudes far greater than objects. It clouds every special occasion we plan. It taps into our financial and emotional bank accounts. It robs the soul.
Calmly after assimilating the two “violations” I verbalized this to the ears of my perp. He didn’t want to linger there. He knows the damage and saw the similarities (magnified one million times, often daily in the absence of true recovery). Finally, I can describe this world I’ve been living in. Although the damage to the soul is far greater than any worldly object we hold dear.
By: toomuchenergy
For the past year and a half I have struggled to explain the co-addict side of pornography addiction, both to my spouse and to my one friend who knows about the situation. It has been futile and indescribable until a few days ago.
The revelation occurred when we got on our boat. My husband went down below and immediately asked me if I had been out on the boat. I said, “no, why?” Then the look of despair came over him and he said we’ve been robbed. They broke the latch and went into the front window. Anything that could fit through it was taken.
Immediately he went to the marina computer system to watch the videos of the surveillance cameras. He watched for a while and finally saw the perpetrators making their 1:45 thieving spree by water. He pointed out every detail. See the waves, they came by boat. There are three of them. Finally in frustration, he realized that the resolution was so fuzzy that their true identity would never show up on film.
It was reported and we went back to the boat. Despite the loss being under the deductible, bringing the crime into light was a must – a way to stop them from doing it again perhaps.Then, he goes under to take inventory of what all was taken. “I feel so violated” he said.
He searched every nook and cranny of storage for clues and missing items. Then the “I should have …” statements started. I should have taken the DVD player off. I should always park it close to the camera or put it in dry storage. I’m going to get a motion sensor alarm so if anyone else does this (this is the 2nd boat robbery) an alarm will sound and make them leave.
It spoiled the care-free day we had planned on the lake. It costs us hard earned money. It raised distrust for night outings after the marina closes. It violated our comfortable space.
For a moment I saw the clarity of living with this addiction. Through a robbery.
It was like a strobe light and whistles blowing: “Pornography addiction is a “robbery of the soul””.
It starts with a violation of something dear to us – fidelity. The lies to hide the violation erode and destroy trust. It makes us doubt ourselves and second guess our every move (and our worth as humans). We devise ways to catch the perp. We devise ways to stop the violation. We suffer losses of magnitudes far greater than objects. It clouds every special occasion we plan. It taps into our financial and emotional bank accounts. It robs the soul.
Calmly after assimilating the two “violations” I verbalized this to the ears of my perp. He didn’t want to linger there. He knows the damage and saw the similarities (magnified one million times, often daily in the absence of true recovery). Finally, I can describe this world I’ve been living in. Although the damage to the soul is far greater than any worldly object we hold dear.
Friday, April 27, 2007
My Shoulders Are My Own
My Shoulders Are My Own
By: Rain
Sad really how something so trivial can push someone over the edge. I’m looking down it right now.And it looks more appealing than where I am standing… way more.
I’m tired of it all. All of it.
I’m tired of explaining it over and over and over. I’m tired of being the only one truly working to keep this all going. The one walking upright, and on her own feet. And you know…. Down there, off the edge… looks like all those people are standing stronger and straighter than I am, with out the added weight to their shoulders. They can finally live truth. I want that.
I’m tired of dragging him along, he’s too god damn heavy. Wish for once he had his own two feet. Or use them. Wish for once, I could walk on my own with out looking back to make sure he’s coming, following me along in the path I’ve cut out.
I don’t want to point the way anymore. I am tired. Wish for once, he’d walk beside me in this… just beside me… and do it all on his own, while I get to stroll along and learn.
But, you know what I get when I step away and refuse to carry him? His screams that I need to pick him back up, help show him the way again… “I can’t do it alone, you already know how, so do it for me!!! I won't find my way and it will be your fault!!”
He never sees that he’s crushing me, he doesn’t care.
He doesn’t see that I’m at the cliff, looking back and forth, trying to decide what to do, where to go.. over or back. He’s too busy screaming from the ground. He doesn’t see, and he doesn’t care. He can’t, simply because he won’t.
If only he could just stand up, use his feet, walk over and take my hand… Walk next to me through this… the decision would be easy. I would go hand in hand on this journey and not even look back at the cliff.
I would embrace the fight again. Embrace him. But he doesn’t stand on his own, and I’m afraid he never will. So I stand here, looking back and forth. Back and forth… At him and the cliff…But, no matter which direction I chose to take, one thing is certain from here on out…
My shoulders are my own and I will no longer carry him. He’s on his own. I hope to not hear his screams for very long.
By: Rain
Sad really how something so trivial can push someone over the edge. I’m looking down it right now.And it looks more appealing than where I am standing… way more.
I’m tired of it all. All of it.
I’m tired of explaining it over and over and over. I’m tired of being the only one truly working to keep this all going. The one walking upright, and on her own feet. And you know…. Down there, off the edge… looks like all those people are standing stronger and straighter than I am, with out the added weight to their shoulders. They can finally live truth. I want that.
I’m tired of dragging him along, he’s too god damn heavy. Wish for once he had his own two feet. Or use them. Wish for once, I could walk on my own with out looking back to make sure he’s coming, following me along in the path I’ve cut out.
I don’t want to point the way anymore. I am tired. Wish for once, he’d walk beside me in this… just beside me… and do it all on his own, while I get to stroll along and learn.
But, you know what I get when I step away and refuse to carry him? His screams that I need to pick him back up, help show him the way again… “I can’t do it alone, you already know how, so do it for me!!! I won't find my way and it will be your fault!!”
He never sees that he’s crushing me, he doesn’t care.
He doesn’t see that I’m at the cliff, looking back and forth, trying to decide what to do, where to go.. over or back. He’s too busy screaming from the ground. He doesn’t see, and he doesn’t care. He can’t, simply because he won’t.
If only he could just stand up, use his feet, walk over and take my hand… Walk next to me through this… the decision would be easy. I would go hand in hand on this journey and not even look back at the cliff.
I would embrace the fight again. Embrace him. But he doesn’t stand on his own, and I’m afraid he never will. So I stand here, looking back and forth. Back and forth… At him and the cliff…But, no matter which direction I chose to take, one thing is certain from here on out…
My shoulders are my own and I will no longer carry him. He’s on his own. I hope to not hear his screams for very long.
By a Recovering Pornography Addict: D-day
D-day
Hi, I’m Herb. I’m a recovering pornography addict and compulsive masturbator.
I have read hundreds of posts by the partners of porn addicts talking about D-day. I take that to be the day that the awareness of the addiction and the extent of involvement in pornography became a reality. D-day is always a day of extreme pain. I have understood that D-day may not be a single event but a series of revelations, each more painful and revealing.
Addicts talk about bottoming out. That’s what I want to talk about. My personal D-day if you will.
A number of years ago I met my wife after work to shop and she had a few more errands to run so we parted and I headed home. I made a beeline for a small town north of us to return a porn video I had rented. My hope was to get home before her so she wouldn’t wonder where I had been. I dropped off the video and got home, relieved that she wasn’t there so I wouldn’t have to lie. Some amount of time passed and the phone rang.
When I answered she said; “I don’t want you to panic but I’m at the hospital in the emergency room.” She had t-boned a Lincoln Continental at highway speeds. She was, fortunately, not badly injured but the car was totaled.
My heart almost exploded in my chest. I said: “I’ll be right there” and proceeded to break every traffic law written to get to the hospital; the whole way praying that God wasn’t going to hurt her because of me. I got to the hospital and she was all hooked up to IV’s and monitors but looked ok, a little ashen.
Do you know what she said when I got there? “Where were you, I’ve been calling for over an hour?” The look in her eyes, the tone of loneliness and abandonment was like white hot iron. I wish I could have just dropped dead on the spot. The SHAME washed over me in torrents. Is that understandable at all? I wasn’t there for her because of a porn video—How insane is that?
This was my D-day. The day the shame and realization of the depth of my addiction came home to me. I had had suicidal thoughts before but I really wanted to die after that. I was worthless and evil and completely beyond redemption. It hurt.
I started active recovery that day. I established my own boundaries. I knew I was addicted, I think I always had. I resolved never to bring a porn vid or mag ever again into my home. I know, you’re saying great but you’re still protecting your habit. That is true. But I had to start somewhere. I had to de-escalate somehow.
It took me years to get past that. I did well for a long time then got a new career with hi-speed Internet and one (go ahead and laugh) inadvertent exposure to on-line porn image and BLAM, I was active in addiction again. The shame and feelings of worthlessness returned as if they had never been gone. They provided a rich environment for the addictive cycle to continue to spin.
That is the short story of my D-day. It took too long and too much pain to get any meaningful sobriety. It took confession and counseling at church, it took discussion with me wife (and that is like puking up the shame all at once) and it took work and reading and learning about addiction. It took a trusted friend to be able to open up with.
Pornography almost killed me and it is destroying lives and soul everyday. Sometimes it’s hard to own the past we have created but we need to take ownership of today and become sober. We need to look forward to tomorrow with hope and not the fear addiction breeds. We need to save our lives, no one else can do it for us.
Hi, I’m Herb. I’m a recovering pornography addict and compulsive masturbator.
I have read hundreds of posts by the partners of porn addicts talking about D-day. I take that to be the day that the awareness of the addiction and the extent of involvement in pornography became a reality. D-day is always a day of extreme pain. I have understood that D-day may not be a single event but a series of revelations, each more painful and revealing.
Addicts talk about bottoming out. That’s what I want to talk about. My personal D-day if you will.
A number of years ago I met my wife after work to shop and she had a few more errands to run so we parted and I headed home. I made a beeline for a small town north of us to return a porn video I had rented. My hope was to get home before her so she wouldn’t wonder where I had been. I dropped off the video and got home, relieved that she wasn’t there so I wouldn’t have to lie. Some amount of time passed and the phone rang.
When I answered she said; “I don’t want you to panic but I’m at the hospital in the emergency room.” She had t-boned a Lincoln Continental at highway speeds. She was, fortunately, not badly injured but the car was totaled.
My heart almost exploded in my chest. I said: “I’ll be right there” and proceeded to break every traffic law written to get to the hospital; the whole way praying that God wasn’t going to hurt her because of me. I got to the hospital and she was all hooked up to IV’s and monitors but looked ok, a little ashen.
Do you know what she said when I got there? “Where were you, I’ve been calling for over an hour?” The look in her eyes, the tone of loneliness and abandonment was like white hot iron. I wish I could have just dropped dead on the spot. The SHAME washed over me in torrents. Is that understandable at all? I wasn’t there for her because of a porn video—How insane is that?
This was my D-day. The day the shame and realization of the depth of my addiction came home to me. I had had suicidal thoughts before but I really wanted to die after that. I was worthless and evil and completely beyond redemption. It hurt.
I started active recovery that day. I established my own boundaries. I knew I was addicted, I think I always had. I resolved never to bring a porn vid or mag ever again into my home. I know, you’re saying great but you’re still protecting your habit. That is true. But I had to start somewhere. I had to de-escalate somehow.
It took me years to get past that. I did well for a long time then got a new career with hi-speed Internet and one (go ahead and laugh) inadvertent exposure to on-line porn image and BLAM, I was active in addiction again. The shame and feelings of worthlessness returned as if they had never been gone. They provided a rich environment for the addictive cycle to continue to spin.
That is the short story of my D-day. It took too long and too much pain to get any meaningful sobriety. It took confession and counseling at church, it took discussion with me wife (and that is like puking up the shame all at once) and it took work and reading and learning about addiction. It took a trusted friend to be able to open up with.
Pornography almost killed me and it is destroying lives and soul everyday. Sometimes it’s hard to own the past we have created but we need to take ownership of today and become sober. We need to look forward to tomorrow with hope and not the fear addiction breeds. We need to save our lives, no one else can do it for us.
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