40, Married, Gaming Addict

40, married, gaming addict

It's not just teenagers in the basement: Adult addiction is growing, but the stigma remains
SARAH BOESVELD AND ZOSIA BIELSKI
From Friday's Globe and Mail
October 31, 2008 at 3:49 AM EDT

For years, high-school science teacher Pauline Harvey went to work thinking her unemployed husband spent all day job-hunting on their home computer.

He was hunting, all right - Brad Dorrance would shoot down opponents for more than 12 hours a day in a virtual world that had gradually become more real to him than his wife.
Since her husband was battling depression as well as bipolar and attention-deficit disorders at the time, she believed it was just a symptom of his illness.

"I thought this was just the behaviour of a depressed person," Ms. Harvey, 47, said from her London, Ont., home.

But in a hospital room after Mr. Dorrance, 40, tried to kill himself with a handful of sedatives, she heard the truth: Her husband was addicted to gaming and pornography, and had racked up $24,000 in debt on five credit cards she knew nothing about.

"I was really angry and felt betrayed," she said. "I was scared, but at the same time I thought you can only go up from here."

While the recent disappearance of 15-year-old Brandon Crisp has put a spotlight on teenage video-game addiction, the phenomenon of adult gaming addiction is largely ignored, experts say.

It's a growing problem as the age of the average gamer has risen to 32, said Liz Woolley, founder of Online Gamers Anonymous. And because gaming has more social acceptability than alcohol or drugs, most adult addicts don't realize they have a problem. But it can have a similarly destructive effect on family and relationships.

"People are just sort of living on these things," said Kimberly Young, director of the Center for Internet Addiction Recovery in Bradford, Pa., adding that most gamers have a family and a good job.

"Because it's so new, we haven't really said, 'Well, gee, we have a lot of stuff going on with dad.' And nobody knows how to deal with it because it's a game. It's not like he's doing drugs every day."

Indeed, that's the excuse many gamers use when confronted by worried spouses. In games such as World of Warcraft, battles take hours and the games don't end, she said.

"You can't leave the computer because then you're disappointing your teammates. It becomes a whole psychology of 'You create a character, you live through this character, this character has responsibilities and duties within the game.' "

Dr. Young compares the most extreme gamers with heroin addicts who eventually disengage from work and their relationships.

Dr. Young said it usually takes a "rock bottom experience" such as a divorce, a pink slip or traumatized children to wake up an addict.

For John Blakely, who asked that his name be changed, it was the birth of his daughter that finally moved him to seek treatment. For six years, the Bay Street banker was hooked on online gaming, while battling a sex addiction he says developed in his youth.

"If it wasn't for her, I don't think I would've actually gone [to rehab]. ... I was really fearful in terms of what kind of parent I was going to be."

The 37-year-old, who already suffered from depression and anxiety, said one addiction bled easily into the other.

"As an adult, I would use video games so I wouldn't act out sexually. If I'm at home and my wife's in the next room, I can't be surfing pornography," he said. "Video gaming was kind of an easy way because it's not like I'm piss drunk, it's not like I'm smoking up, but it's still a way for me to escape, numb out and lose track of reality."

Since video games are still viewed as a kids' activity, many adults feel a stigma surrounds their addiction. Mr. Blakely said he'd rather admit to his sex addiction than tell colleagues about his urges to play EverQuest.

For Mr. Dorrance, gaming afforded a chance to be a leader again after he felt he lost control of his life. Games, he said, offered a self-medicating adrenalin rush.

"We're wired to gain that kind of acceptance and acclaim from our peers," he said. "It preys on people's sense of belonging. ... If they're looking to replace a hole in their lives, they find that very quickly."

The gaming soon spilled over into his life with Ms. Harvey.
"I think it was a painful time for her, lonely. She knew the back of my head better than she knew my face."

By November, 2007, after almost a decade of gaming, Mr. Dorrance had "cocooned" himself in the basement in front of his computer. One month later, he attempted suicide.

Today, Mr. Dorrance works as a technical support representative for an Internet service provider. He believes addicted gamers are predisposed to their disorders: "The rest of your life can be crashing down around you, and you can be who you want 12 hours a day."
He runs a blog, exgamer.net, to help fellow video game addicts, and next Wednesday, he'll launch the London chapter of Online Gamers Anonymous.

Online support is popular among wives of addicted gamers, who call themselves "widows." Sherry Myrow, a 30-year-old mother of two from Toronto, launched gamerwidow.com after her husband got hooked on World of Warcraft. Ms. Myrow said she initially tried to stop him from playing, but one day decided to see for herself what it was like. "My longest stint was 15 hours straight. You forget about time, you want to keep going and going," she said.

Ms. Myrow's strained marriage perked up - the couple were now playing together and she felt like she had her husband back. But one day, she was so consumed by the game that she avoided a phone call from her mother, who had been her lifeline during her husband's addiction. It jolted her.

"I literally pulled the blinders off. I looked around and saw the dishes had piled up, the bills were unopened. That just wasn't me."

Ms. Harvey said she also fell into a depression. Even though Mr. Dorrance has been nine months "sober" and is now helping others fight their addictions, the marriage remains fragile.

"I have forgiven him," she said, "but I don't trust him."
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Tips to end game time
Over the past four years, registered social worker Peter Silin has seen a steady trickle of game-addicted husbands at his private counselling practice in Vancouver, mostly at the behest of their wives. He looks at patients' personal and family histories and examines current relationship dynamics. He believes gaming addicts must quit cold turkey, but also offers some basic tips to avoid addictive behaviour online:
Put the computer in a public place.
Agree to log on only when someone else is in the room.
If you log on, make a list of what you intend to do, which sites you will visit and how long you will be online.
Uninstall game programs and trash the CDs.
Consider Net Nanny software for the computer.